What Me Worry?

Alfred E. Neuman

Dead trees and record heat, despoiled oceans and filthy skies – Its just part of gods mysterious plan

Hey, I’m OK with eroded soil, fouled drinking water, poisoned rivers, acid seas and clearcut forests

Let’s carry on with the over-population, fetal heavy metal and patriotic outsourcing for fat bonuses

Be guided by myopic greed, shun all regulation, let rigged free market oligarchies chart our course

You can keep on postponing the tough entitlement decisions and ignoring our decaying infrastructure

Yes, let the loud, black-and-white neo-traditionalists spin us on with slick, simple and angry tirades

Dont raise taxes, lower benefits or decrease waste: Spend more, cut taxes and label it bipartisanship

Right On to failing education, multi-generational welfare, industrial agriculture and more acid rain

It’s OK, I can handle mass extinctions, loss of habitat, climate refugees and nitrogen overdosing

Dieoffs, blights, epidemics, famines, droughts and whatever pestilence can’t even get on my nerves

I’m not obsessing over berserk military spending or my leaders tuning out to their private saviors

So, just why should I fret over coral bleaching, polar bears, rare earths, nitrates or fish changing sex?

I’m compartmentalized via the media hypnosis of ignorance used for control and truth thru repetition

Don’t you think I even notice them leaching pesticides, mercury, PCBs or toxic fracked water

Tortured cattle, poisoned pigs and crippled chickens don’t affect my appetite for good cheap meat

To me, their happy psalm of eternal 3% economic growth is more than some pyramid scam ad jingle

I’m detached from other’s lifelong poverty, drugged child soldiers and the juvenile sex slave trade

Not one abused Chinese peasant worker or languishing Darfurie ever makes it onto my personal radar

I don’t neurotically fix on razed rain forests, toxic aquaculture or vast seas of floating plastic litter

Anyways - So What about them dead albatross and dolphin tithed to us as factory fishing bycatch?

I’m good with soaring deficits and slashed programs as more tax cuts for the rich drain down upon me

Why should I really care if tuna disappear and tigers pad only through their own shit in crowded zoos?

Lack of sustainability don’t bother me and I can ignore every orphan’s plight with equal equanimity

Whats to worry if 40% of our kids are born as bastards and way over half cant read even the big print?

Sure, it’s fair and balanced to solve the complex issues facing us via rigged polls of ignorant voters

Since we are all dumbed-down, amoral and angry there’s no reason for it to bother us individually

I prune overwhelmingly complex alternatives by just keeping it locked on their comforting Either/Or

Failing monsoons, melting glaciers, spreading deserts and thawing methane ice – Hey, It’s all good

Frivolous fashion reports, corporate sports updates and phony entertainment news are my compass

My hypertension, high cholesterol and diabetes-causing obesity don’t rile my spiritual composure

No way do I set there and worry about the Wall Street central planners of my fast food lifestyle

The lucrative government industry of death and destruction known as war caint rile me up no more

Our insane divinely-ordained population growth wont shake my focus on that big weekend coming up

See if I lose sleep cause I toil for childish one-trackers who patronize me to their own insecure ends

What, me worry over all those as-yet unnoticed problems I nurture 24x7 but can never hope to solve

Even uncontrollably spinning down into some like black hole of whatever eternal void cant alarm me

Our Ordained Exceptionist Burden

      Indeed, We are a special people, with a mandate from heaven to lead from our shining city on the hill.

For so it is written: God chose us over the heathen and we don’t even hafta try and understand why

Global treaties and agreements don’t bind us, but we’ll harshly enforce them upon our evil enemies

We provide ThE moral compass to all His creation, read by the guiding light from our revealed truth

Our blessed children lead the world in ignorant pride – But, not in reading, science, math or morals

Trained in contempt for histry, we do totally trust in our newly-minted Traditional Family Values™

And of course, Ours Is thE finest healthcare system in the En-tire world, despite all yer ‘satistics’

Absolutely, We have the right to live large off credit debt provided by whatever asian peasants

Gridlock, tempered by a total lack of political will, exemplifies our noble checks and balances system

We do not torture but, Look - Enhanced interrogation techniques did save thousands of our citizens

We justly pump billions to our bankers even as we demand foreign countries free up their currencies

Our Preemptively-Defensive Wars Of Liberation bear no relation to their Evil Terrorist Aggression

We may exploit our tiny remaining old growth as we wisely counsel others to total eco-preservation

We still proudly tout equality though our rich get richer, the poor poorer and the middle class shrinks

Only we can loose the vainglorious God Bless America edict following each and every political speech

We shall never confuse our divinely-granted Exceptionism with but mere circumstance or dumb luck

Subsidizing industrial agriculture exports is proper for us but quite immoral for the rest of the world

We don’t need costly new roads, bridges, dams, power grids and water works like them feriners do

We can warn of their increased military outlays even as we outspend them all combined: Every Year!

We shall never be bound by any international treaty which might threaten our precious sovereignty

We can smirkingly diss junk climate research citing our rigged opinion polls of the clueless population

We scorn Islamic republics though we too make our political decisions privately with personal saviors

Our divinely granted role is to prevent them obtaining WMDs, even as we modernize our huge stocks

Our god is love and he does direct us to remain the world’s greatest weapons producer and exporter

He blesses our government support of brutal dictatorships so long as they sell our donors trade favors

Follow our lead into obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol, heart disease and stroke

Of course, you may enjoy your freedom of religion, but you’re not free from our religious intolerance

Just be happy to pay criminals to smuggle you here so you can be mistreated and exploited by fools

Naturally, you should happily swallow our media although we can’t find your Whateverstan on a map

Everyone: Give up your land mines and chemical arms but, naturally we’ll keep ours close at hand

God guides our unmanned drones into their dusty hovels but satan flew as a terrorist co-pilot on 9/11

Keep your foreign noses out of our business, but you obey this UN resolution or we’ll begin air strikes

You cannot try our citizens in your World Court but we’ll help them catch and punish our enemies

Our beacon of hope to the world is so much more than a neon reflection of our smarmy propaganda

Only we have the divine right to lecture others on human rights, ecology and fiscal responsibility

Frack all yer so-called objective measures, This here is still ThE greatest country on gods green earth

For we alone wear the exceptionist leadership mantel granted to the family of man by our redeemer