Phony Issues We Could Righteously Ignore

But still: Faith, Family and Freedom did prevail

Took no action that might curb the disgusting obesity epidemic decimating the pickup and SUV class

Still kept our stupid noses way too far up in that filthy Middle East and there still aint no progress

Oh, yeah, never did get the big banks small enough to be able to just let their greedy asses fail

Didn’t really even talk about declining family income and the rapidly shrinking middle class at all

Whoops, them Great Lakes keep being abused as convenient combination dump and sewage lagoon

Dangit, really need to get BigAg to save water, use less fertilizer and lay off pesticides, Sometime

Cows, pigs and chickens are still breeding resistant microbes after being overdosed on antibiotics

Weren’t able to convince the Best and Brightest to do real work instead of hollow Wall Street scams

Forgot to start rebuilding the roads, bridges, electric grid, water systems and ports - once again

Didn’t have the time to eat right but were able to gorge enough fast food to add a few more pounds

Denied any obligation to those unaborted, sinful single-parent children destined only to go to jail

Unknowingly increased our toxic emissions by another 16% last year despite the economic slowdown

Failed to realize that expiring temporary stimuli automatically morph into forbidden tax increases

The diabetes plague raged on as gov’t subsidies for the corn syrup that cause it remained unchanged

Never even heard as ignorant foreigners laughed at our gridlocked government like a bad Polack joke

Didn’t concern ourselves with the Feds collecting vast amounts of our private information in secret

Shoot, really shoulda maybe taken a quick look at all those ever-filthier rivers and streams

That purulently over-complicated tax code coulda been reworked…

Woulda tried ta lower my cholesterol and stuff but, bein busy, why, fast food was the cheapest

Forgot about repairing, reusing, repurposing and recycling after that there Great Recession

They still refused to learn English but we’re real busy putting everything in Spanish, so it’s OK

Still paying absurdly exorbitant cable, cell and internet bills but barely getting 3^rd world service…

Got beyond preventing climate change but neglected to even start planning for its very real effects

Didn’t remember to look for alternative news outlets and kept on single-sourcing my canned opinions

Ignored controlling the costliest yet least effective health care system of all the developed countries

Forgot to stop staring as their overpaid, ignorant fupball giants in shiny tights bent over in fronta me

Lost track of quality of life indicators but remained focused only on unemployment, GDP and stocks

Once again avoided statistics about our precious children falling behind in reading, math and science

Didnt notice that the unemployment rate went down mostly cause lots of people just gave up looking

Still disregard that BigAg poisons our soils and lets them blow away in the interests of larger bonuses

Subconsciously overlooked the record numbers without insurance, on welfare and using food stamps

Kept confusing Yankee Ingenuity with offshoring design, production and support for fat CEO bonuses

Omitted demanding the secret sauces they’re fracking into our drinking water to export fossil fuels

Just let that giant, smelly and toxic dead spot at the Mississippi delta remain our fair nation’s anus

Maintained a Survival of the Fittest attitude regarding the mass extinction our overpopulation caused

Forgot we’re hurtling towards endless oblivion while looking forward only to one more lost weekend

We Reject Confusing Elitist Uncertainty

I refuse to see any stuff that’s not in black or white - I ignore them confusing colors and blurry grays

Don’t want no vague probabilities or inconclusive correlations – Dammit, a simple Yes or No will do

It just comes down like this one more time – We’re against them unless and until they see it our way

God bless the reassuring truth in ‘The only right way to do this is…’, for them overcomplicated issues

We’ll stay with the hard and fast WordaGod over some crackpot theories of acupla wacko scientists

But, that there Survival Of The Fittest does prove winners take all on His earth, under our dominion

Its either clearly black or white or it’s just really boring, stupid and we can all make fun of it

Hey! Can the frickin conflictin evidence and get on with the abridged executive action summary

Got no time to consider multiple unclear distinctions or various superfluous overlapping alternatives

Hurry up with the takeout conclusion and dont confuse me with them messy slaughterhouse details

And dont forget that, to spare us any guilt, our faith-based decisions must never need to be reviewed

Back off with your junk research…all we need to decide are family values laced with literal scripture

Like our forefathers said why, way, way back then in the 60s: Budro, you can either love it or leave it

If our ordained mouthpieces allege that it could cost us any jobs or money, well, Im right up aginst it

Look, you can't have everything, so just narrow it down to two clear choices and make up your mind

Anyways, data and options overload is really just one more LibSoch tactic of them godless NewAgers

We can always ask what would jesus do, and come up with a straight answer outta the good book

Reconsideration, ambiguity and ambivalence are the squirrelly dodges of them moral flip-floppers

Besides, our faith ensures our decisions are free of all crippling doubt and wasteful reconsideration

Therefore, we demand the simplified moral clarity of a sharia-like but bible-based resolution process

Skip the footnotes, references, formulas and complicated graphs just gimme the ordained takeaway

Anyway, it’s dangerous to even hear their artificial shades of meaning as the devil owns their tongues

If they say it was good enough for our unknown yet fictionalized ancestors, it’ll still work right for us

Just give us that musical HD videobite endlessly repeating a simple catchphrase and we’re good ta go

The pride they encourage in our illiteracy nurtures our scoffing contempt at ever going into depth

We reject the elite who dare to scorn the patriotic lowest common denominator in news and analysis

We’ll take wicked terrorist demons over complex op-eds, long sentences and big words, anytime

But just remember we need a colorful spin to explanations to avoid any troubling contradictions

We simply dont trust those who confuse us with too many alternatives and overly-subtle distinctions

And dont forget to drench us only in simple but emotionally-charged, vitally-unimportant issues

Calm and reasoned debates are for those constantly wavering and absolutely spineless squishes

In any case, spurious shades of meaning simply taint the faith-based truth for which we so thirst

Listen, there aint any choice besides heaven or hell right? So that’s how everything else should be

For the devil really is down in them confusing and conflicted, bogus and unnecessary details

So hush up your messy contradictions now so that we can unconsciously and blissfully ignore them

Give us that short, shouted slogan backed with a slick 30 second music video and we’re good to go

Dear Mommie, From Our SUV

Well, the sun is coming through the haze a little after so many daysa that dark and dirty rain. Stephen says the plants that never lost their leaves are already budding out again and it’s not even February. It aint even been cold enough to freeze the terlet we dug outside the SUV.

You know I lost another baby, and the doctor at the free clinic says it’s impossible to tell what might be the cause, but not to feel too bad cause it’s happening a lot to all of us. Maybe it was for the best since one of them 15 Chinese families that moved in on our block had a son born so deformed the officials come and took him off somewhere fer study or somethin. But folks here say the asians was already sick from stuff back in their homeland.

I got selected for a day job down to GlobalPlex helping to mine plastic at the old dump for the first time in a month last week, spent 12 hours in an old HazMat suit that was really hot even with all the holes. They told us we didn’t need our air bottles cause the wind was blowin just a bit. They even said I should come back when my cough subsides again. They make their daily picks at 5 AM, kinda like you used to say they did with them illegales. We get paid every night and their store stays open for an hour longer. Bought us some chips and sodas.

After 5 years spent freedom-fighting all over the middle east our Jimmy come home 2 months ago with a really nice printout of his discharge. He says he’s still really jet-lagged and has to sleep through the days and go out at night. He don’t complain much about the blurry vision and his new hand works pretty well, too. The cops have been real understandin about the fightin, drugs and the gunshots cause theyre all vets theyselves.

We been burning our trash out in the yard for pert near 2 years now and the kids love to run around in the smoke. But, they don’t like carryin water from the creek cause it smells so bad and they’re always slippin around in the mud. We mostly boil it before we drink it but sometimes its just too nasty out to split any firewood and we all get them terrible shits.

Every one of us still misses Daddy every day, specially when we get our rations, cause the army guys are always thinking that he’s off hiding somewheres when we’re standin in the lines. All the kids are doing in school is bible memorization, when they make it there at all.

The lecktric come on for maybe an hour last week and shocked hell right out of us when a radio all sudden kicked on. Same guy was still rattlin on about staying calm and indoors as much as possible and such. Not even the first fool commercial and boy that has taken some real gettin used to. They said the war was going well and our like ecunomic fundymentals are still real strong.

You know you’d think we was living some kinda life of leisure what with not having to cook or go to work and stuff like that. But really them MREs they been passing out for months got tiresome long ago and GlobalPlex just don’t have enough work for half of us on any given day...But dogs are disappearin and theys been this smell of barbecues.

Welp, gotta sign off soon here and get Sussy ta the clinic to see about the crusty stuff that’s closing up her eye. We’ll be gone a couple days what with the walking and the lines. I’ll save this letter for you in case things might ever get back to sorta normal and we can get tagether. I mean I don’t really know where you are and anyways, the post office has been closed for months now. Hope that Daddy got buried proper.

Lots of Love and XXXs, Emmie.