Straight Talking Spin Doctors

That leftist sustainability scam is just more of their worn-out take from the rich and give to the poor

This leveling of the market playing field will encourage competition and lower consumer prices

We will never confuse such evil murderers and terrorist thugs with these honorable freedom fighters

Our CEO is transitioning out to pursue other opportunities and to spend more time with his family

Counsel has advised us that department policy prohibits my commenting on ongoing investigations

We must preserve the sanctity of marriage and provide prayer, not sex education, in our schools

Its not the puppeteering of oil-rich countries - Its the right thing to do in the global war on terrorism

Trying once again to further its vast hidden agenda, the biased liberal media has twisted our remarks

To preserve our heritage, we must strive to replace these activist judges with strict constructionists

Compassionate conservatism is sacred-duty-bound to emphatically reject this global land mine treaty

Yellow terrorist-coddlers who do not support our troops: You’re either with us or we’re against you

Wouldn’t you feel nobler bravely staying the course, not cutting and running like say French cowards?

Ours is a society based upon the rule of law - but we can quietly deny funding to selected statutes

Being at war requires exceptionally wide, covert government activities to obtain private information

Failure to pass this bill will put our brave troops at risk and bring great guilt and shame upon us all

Government intervention is always to be avoided – But, these banks are simply too big to fail

Market competition will ensure that ours remains ThE Finest Health Care System ever on ThE planet

Expensive and unnecessary regulations based upon dishonest junk science are simply evil job-killers

Local Control enables MultiNats controlling the resources to make our optimum economic decisions

No outside intervention will be tolerated during our preemptively-defensive invasion of liberation

These eco-loco fringe schemes are foolish, unnecessary and costly in terms of jobs and money

I say to my Soft-On-Defense opponent: This noble Crusade is not some Vietnam-style quagmire

We must stop these evil killers over there or soon we will be fighting them right here at home

Our Coalition of the Willing proved ready to step up and do the right thing to defend freedom

Actually, the existence, causes and any real effects of climate change are still an unproven theory

It is well-understood that death by friendly fire does occur and, though sad, is inevitable

But, our regrettable collateral damage must not be conflated with their slaughter of innocents

Jesus protects me from guilt, shame and squishy flip-flopping on any decision we make together

We must repeal this Death Tax that liberal nannys waste on funding unconstitutional social programs

Look, we are calling for a simple troop redeployment and that is, in no way, some cowardly retreat

We support market-driven energy independence via generous ethanol, oil and coal industry subsidies

We can all point to our recent legislation increasing debt without raising taxes as a bipartisan victory

I obtained my post-congress lobbying position due to my expertise...not for my legislative favors

High gas prices are devastating working families and require that we deregulate and grant tax breaks

We are unable to compete globally being hobbled by those ponzi pension obligations we promised

We will never permit their brave sacrifice in our <egotistic, immoral and illegal> wars to be in vain

Dispatches From The Dead Zones

So there’s this like dead zone in the Gulf where the mighty Missisip unloads its dark and toxic burden

Its as big as damn Massachusetts and rains down the thick black poison sludge of our modern lifestyle

There’s a dead zone too, inside my head and that’s where I store all the stuff I used to care about

Oh, and there’s also this walled off dead space in our beliefs that we never have to go to anymore

It’s a spreading necrosis of the spirit where now only tough, talk-show propaganda can survive

Robbed of vital nutrients, our ideals now slowly waste away on dried and crusty, literalist scripture

We came upon a hidden void where our dreams had died, trapped like tiny earthquake victims

There, inside the Hot Zone, where only those in protective suits are allowed, lay my memories

There’s this vast, slowly spinning gyre way out there in the Pacific where our plastic trash is floating

It’s like when that diabetic sore on Uncle’s toe didn’t ever heal and so they cut it off at the knee

Still, we keep a dusty, dead shrine to Gramaw since we abandoned her to costly pre-funeral care

The suffering of the poor just bounces off a part of my brain that is no longer able to respond

Too bad all the fish are poisoned and allathe frogs deformed - but that stuff font hurt people, right?

It’s a dead zone, walled off by reactionary anger and insulated with expensive soundbite material

I sequester all that poisonous liberal gas in a tiny, unused area where it cant do me any harm at all

Overexposure to slick ads blighted me like 1 more invasive species we had thoughtlessly introduced

The trout are dying but the carp are thriving and the bullies are allowed to beat up on the nerds

Got red tides blooming from over-fertilizing and it’s killing everything but those stinging jellyfish

There’s a broad area beneath my spreading gut that disappeared from my view way long ago

They found a black and dead spot on my lung that could be related to the smog or the cigarettes

You see that dead zone in the eyes of them stone cold TV killers as well as in our precious children

We hold up in a fortified Family Values Sector, abandoning our Yankee Ingenuity to the outsourcers

To preserve our implanted beliefs we practice a mental scorched earth policy in our retreat to faith

It aint no dead quiet that has replaced those profitless songbirds extinguished by Big Agriculture

Can’t even see lifeless black creeks and toxic tailings from inside coal-fired, air-conditioned comfort

It’s not really a dead zone: For rats, weeds, roaches and wickedly infectious microbes thrive in there

Got no nurturing feelings left after we saved them welfare kids with our abortion clinic gunfire

I’m safely numbed to this world of suffering by the stupefying jingles that have lodged in my brain

I can smile and be nice even as I ignore the vain agony that surrounds me, at point blank range

There’s this blind spot in my awareness that I stare straight at when I cannot bear to see anymore

I’m deaf to that fearful silence, thanks to all my mindless but resource-consuming noisemakers

Fortunately, thru incessant repetition, their big lies atrophy my reason and thus reduce my stress

There’s this dead zone around corporate zombies feasting on cash and shallow but expensive perqs

Their jingles ring flatly through our soon to be laid-off heads as we numbly text our abbreviated woes

And we too, crowd their product releases raising our credit cards with our empty eyes staring blankly

Then we shuffle back home to mindless relaxation until pangs from the DeadZone make us feed again

Once We Cared: Outgrew That

Long ago, why, way back when last century, we felt for the burning rivers and them poisoned lakes

Now we’re far too far online for that kind of squishy, job-killing, non-profit, lo-def kind of spam

Wow, so groups actually demonstrated for clean air without using like any digital organization?

Once, 3 or 4 billion people ago, we even thought that over-population posed The major threat

Laws once passed with agencies created have now been long un-enforced and, indeed, de-funded

No time now to protest Big Chicken wastes or Big Coal mountaintop removal…or Big Anything Else

Look at these old videos of them longhairs whining about like dying trees and disappearing species

Our weak economy and high costs to families in jobs and money are our proper interests now

It was so long ago, and we were callow, idealistic youth but look - even we grew out of it

From the advanced perspective of our always-on eLives, its easy to see beyond our misguided ideals

Imagine: we once even hoped to integrate human society into systems that balance the natural world

Thankfully, we were finally able to decide what really is important and what cannot be changed

Once we cared about acid rain, deforestation, sprawl, smog, peace, love, cooking and meditation

But we got off the weed, part-timed our MBAs, found jesus and focused in on family consumerism

We view today’s endocrine disruptors and PCB mutations as simply indicators of our blessed progress

Now we proudly poll high on environmentalism but quietly we’re good with our leaders doing nothing

Anyway, factory pollution is way, way down since CEOs bonused-out shifting all production to China

But we still need more deregulation for the energy independence to commute alone in giant pickups

Not to worry, cities are going ‘back to nature’ now - bulldozing thousands of abandoned crack houses

Then we were stoned, sitting cross-legged knitting sweaters, canning foods and wearing green θ tees

That was long before we learned to leverage no down payment liar loans into negative savings rates

You see, times were simpler then, before this global warming scam threatened our family lifestyle

I digitized all of my old pictures, but they aren’t really Hi-def and everyone looks way too skinny

Hear the old songs playing in the 6 snack food aisles now while I stuff my cart with puffy cellophane

Why, once we even thought that our careers needed to be fulfilling and contribute to a better world

But, we’ve adjusted to being soon-to-be-forever-offshored wage slaves via our mindless consumption

Now we can make fun of birdwatchers, hikers, bikers and anybody else who’s not gas-powered

At last we matured into proudly-ignorant libertarians and assumed our ordained exceptionist mantle

Used to doubt the wisdom of unregulated oligarchies but now we totally get this Self-Responsibility

Learned that subsidized Big Agriculture competition ensures us a healthy and sustainable food supply

Imagine, we once thought simple prevention could actually solve many health and crime problems

There was a time, long before we left them to the pre-funeralists, that we rejected our elders’ ways

Once we were even concerned over like spotted owls and salmon runs, urban sprawl and toxic trash

Times must have been so much simpler then, before we started driving these giant 8 passenger SUVs

Praise the lord and adjust the thermostat, send a text and click on that latest deep truth tweet

Thanks to our modern wisdom, now we see how idealistic fantasies always decay into failed socialism

Conservative Focus On What Really Matters

We hold the gravity of these ignorant and selfish concerns to be self-evident

Gas must remain artificially-cheap that we may commute like overstuffed sausages in giant roadhogs

Never shall taxes be increased to pay for costly, tried-and-failed, bleeding-heart social programs

Nitwit foolishness such as this pukish recycling nonsense usurps our hallowed individual freedom

And abortion shall remain foremost among the violations of our savior’s will which must be rectified

The omnipotent blind hand of the free market shall be our blunt tool in repairing all societal issues

Gun control must come to mean simply that wives and children hold steady aim at intended targets

Without reflection, we remain unflinchingly positive that This is ThE greatest country on the planet

Fool intrusions into private enterprise like mercury limits on power plants simply cannot be tolerated

We shall strive to bring God into our government while keeping its regulators out of our businesses

Our borders have to be secure but we must hire workers for those jobs real Americans just won’t do

High taxes and intrusive rules kill the patriotic initiative of our bold, job-creating entrepreneurs

Our children shall lead the world despite their pathetic global status in reading, math and science

Bringing prayer to school ranks right up near the top of any list of the most important issues we face

Government-run bureaucrat-controlled Death Panels must never control our choice of a family doctor

Global Warming is just an unproven, junk science theory - Undeserving of any government concern

Our leaders must make the important decisions in private conversations with their personal saviors

Always remember that the bible plainly states: Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman

It goes without saying that we must outgun them all combined or be overrun by the godless heathen

We always have time to eat and drink while watching Football, for it truly reinforces our core values

Black-or-White, Right-or-Wrong, Heaven-or-Hell: That’s how we counter this elitist overcomplication

It is our god-given right to as many children as we see fit without training or income to support them

Texans epitomize the laissez-faire, ignorance-braced lifestyle that we should all be striving to attain

Government does best out of the way sos to let SmashAndGrab MultiNats rule from corporate closets

We must soldier on until that over-reaching, job-killing EPA is abolished and all its rules rolled back

Resolved: Our right to idle alone thru long drive-thru lines in 9 passenger SUVS shall not be abridged

Inexpensive meat, however produced, is going to remain front and center at all our family dinners

We must hold the line against overreaching so-called investments in whatever socialist infrastructure

Rich conservatives are obviously the ones who have the best interests of working people at heart :}

Scientific debates with donor implications can best be decided via slanted twitter opinion polls

Anonymized, sociopathic corporate clones in expensive suits are ideal for closet national stewardship

Obesity, high blood pressure and diabetes are matters of personal responsibility, not public health

We must promulgate our morality globally thanks to our god’s assigning us this Exceptionist role

It makes economic sense to live for free in homes with underwater loans sunk by drawing out equity

Everyone agreed social security was nearly solvent so naturally its payroll tax funding was cut

Permanently passing all cost increases onto patients will obviously fix our broken healthcare system

Loyal OutSourcers are striving to bring back middle class jobs for our deserving, talented workforce

Relaxing With The Rich and Famous

Recognize media stars at a tabloid glance and be drawn to their empty buzz like some mindless moth

Chat endlessly about their spoiled ex-wives, movie roles, diets and cosmetic surgeries - as you decay

Keep taking for granted the guys that show up for nothing in the middle of the night - at auto wrecks

Dont bother to notice as your tons of chemically-tainted, disease-ridden garbage is safely removed

Accept that anemically-brave closet CEOS deserve Mega$ even though accountants cant measure why

Unthinkingly assume plastic surgeons contribute more to society than lowly wastewater engineers

Squander your limited attention on illiterate and amoral entertainers spouting misogyny and violence

Ignore those who thought they went to defend your freedom, now lost to drugs, alcohol and abuse

Pay so much attention to steroided sports heroes that they actually believe in their false grandeur

Never give a thought to those who keep the electricity, natural gas and water at your lame fingertips

Trust that a 19-stall garage filled with sports cars is undeniably one apex of man’s achievement

Forget about losers who just show up every day, doing the right thing, just to keep our wheels on

For it’s obvious that luxury yachts and multiple, empty 2^nd homes really are among our ultimate goals

Sponsoring NASCAR, a derby pony or a racing boat remain among the very highest of human pursuits

Hey, don’t let your babies grow up to be social workers, teachers or community health advocates

Fatuously covet the faux-renaissance WalMart size mansions with which they express their true selves

Just keep wasting your precious time on their latest clothes, new hairstyles and plunging necklines

Covet their endless cosmetic procedures, personal trainers and 24 hr security as true fulfillment

Spend hours ogling the exhibitionist outfits at their vapid, staged, narcissistic Hollywood events

Kick back in ignorant obesity on that dirty couch and gossip about them - On a first name basis

Remain blind to those who arrive so quickly to care for the disgustingly sick and the horribly injured

Keep on thinking cooks, gardeners, maids and chauffeurs bring true meaning to human existence

Remain quite sure that expensive jewelry is high on your list of this life’s greatest enrichments

Admire their simple habits, waited on hand and foot and cocooned from all distressing realities

Absolutely believe they gain great wisdom within the total isolation of their utter self-absorption

Closely follow their psychopathic behavior and actually worship it as the zenith of man’s attainment

Believe that the CEO’s blindingly sociopathic greed is really a healthy and patriotic entrepreneurship

Pity their brave and lonely struggle to avoid, yet encourage the constant pressure of prying cameras

Hang on their every word and endlessly spout their canned media pronouncements to each other

Really feel their pain for having to substitute drugs, food and alcohol for any real life experiences

Grant their neurotic existence meaning with a rapt attention that merely drains your own short time

Trust that spotless private jets and securely-gated compounds further their capitalist enlightenment

Remain fully convinced that being waited on hand and foot lifts the human spirit to its highest level

And don’t forget that Lotto ticket when you pick up your next 44 oz BigGulp and giant bag of Doritos

Dream that you too enjoy their lifestyle as you drown in pathetic negative savings rate consumerism

Wisely know money aint everything - cause they said so – even as you watch them spending yours

Dyslexic Dystopia

Psychological disorder characterized by the incorrectly-distorted perception of our shared HappilyEverAfter

Things never really looked right to me but experts showed I always twisted stuff up and out of order

I guess I grasped events somewhat differently than what executives marketed as the actual reality

They told me that I pulled facts out of context and then got them turned around inside my head

I maybe was really smart but it was hard to tell since I was always scuttling off somewheres sideways

I saw corporate elders as furtive, shortsighted, self-centered sociopaths not as wise and honest sages

It seemed like the media was made for advertising with a few second thought interruptions thrown in

Elected officials appeared to act solely for a vile self-aggrandizement and re-election, not for voters

I even thought arms makers commissioned boogeyman-mongerers to channel vast sums to themselves

Never got how venal consumer spending and real estate gambling could sustain any real economy

The word of god came to me as a cynical pyramid scam, not the one true way to eternal paradise

Somewhere in my mind I conflated this wack expensive CO2 hoax with a reasoned working hypothesis

To me, flag burning, abortion, gay marriage and creationism just weren’t the most important issues

Evil saw as live, dog was god, sacred was scared and our patriotic burgers taste like tortured remains

Cravenly, I twisted their purest private dialogues with personal saviors into pagan comedy routines

Preposterously, Traditional Family Values™ felt like another recently ginned-up ad campaign to me

My warped prism showed industry self-regulation as a cynical coverup for smash-and-grab capitalism

I even mistook the ignored collateral damage of our divinely-ordained progress for a mass extinction

The distorted lens of my condition wrongly showed a vast human overpopulation, heading for a crash

I thought our spoiled and ignorant children’s pre-mortgaged futures did not look brighter than ours

I imagined costs for good air, clean water and healthy forests where, by capitalist right, none existed

I viewed most of our useless noise as a pitiful attempt to hide from the threateningly-frightful silence

Why, I even found ATVs, snowmobiles and jetskis to be obesely-wasteful, mindless and destructive

I actually deluded myself into wackly believing that if all men were created equal so were all species

I vainly wasted worry on non-issues of soil erosion, habitat destruction, fouled water and polluted air

A tiny minority shared a few of my delusions but the sane hewed to a slick, mass-market gospel truth

Quite revealingly, I even found tiny, efficient vehicles to be comfortable and a real pleasure to own

My bizarre perceptions actually led me to stray from home equity and credit card lifestyle financing

I had this nasty illusion that any new energy source was jointly sabotaged by the media for Big Oil

Contrary to common sense, I did not believe faceless multinational globalization was our salvation

This condition left me unable to swallow the dogma of clergymen, politicians or their talking heads

My twisted sensations morphed dignified religious figures into irrelevant cartoon charlatans

I even found myself believing we should preserve habitats and maintain our waters clean and alive

Unlike the truly patriotic, I couldn’t flaunt a loud and aggressive pride in my illiteracy and ignorance

I had no blind faith in our ability to control the emergent complexity of our spasmodic enterprises

Despite all evidence I concluded that anger, hatred and violence should not remain our natural state

Due to my malady, I thought we rapidly earned everlasting oblivion instead of some eternal paradise

Set Our Rulers Free Of Our Servitude

Said the price of freedom had to be eternal vigilance and war is an immutable part of our genetics

Said there is no other choice but blood sacrifice and no alternative but to go off and fight: For them

Said we got to be ever ready or our enemies will be upon us: Attacking, slaughtering and enslaving us

Said the bad guys are always on the verge of reigning over us in an unholy and totalitarian terror

Well now, who would the losers really be, in the long run, if all their projected fears came true?

Let’s say we don’t fight, but just peacefully resist until they kill us all. OK, where will they be then?

Who would do the good work keeping the world running safe and warm, supporting their delusions?

Who’d farm the scorched earth for nothing and rebuild their bombed arms factories for a pittance?

We could leave them alone and let them see how far they get and how long they would really last

Let their greed, violence and anger be the sole driver in developing our precious humanity

Leave them alone at each other’s lying throats, without us to convince, manipulate and sacrifice

Let their violent genes and selfish traits monopolize so only their gifted spawn enjoy what happens

What is our real loss after being slaves to the selfishly-vacuous fantasies of mouthy control freaks?

Really, to what end does this eternal and vicious cycle based upon their sociopathic needs continue?

So, how long will the manipulators remain without legions of honest and hard-working minions?

Wait…Perhaps a better world would emerge given the final and pure ascendancy of their kind: LoL

Maybe…But, without the cheering crowds, cheap labor and vast armies, wont their game grow dull?

For with no audience to listen and no subjects to control, what, then, is the real point of their lives?

And who would now perform the myriad of mundane tasks which have always been beneath them?

And, in the end, what have we, the passive, patient drones, actually lost in tossing off our serfdom?

Gosh, there’d be no writers for their clever and well-delivered hot air speeches – and no audience

Clearly, propagandizing only to each other without legions of cheering supporters won’t satisfy them

So their genocides and purges would only wipe out their own kind: Wow, that would be truly terrible!

Right… Can’t you just picture them painfully bent over in the rice fields, with no peasants to rule?

So why bring up more good kids in honest poverty to be sacrificed to their petty, ego-driven disputes?

Go on about your real business and leave them to stand up for themselves against their own vile kind

And should they call upon you for god, family and country, force them to lead in real battle as well

Really, give them the entire world and see just how they adjust to the new necessity of honest work

So, let’s set them free of the addiction to our slavery to feed their attention-seeking insecurity

Liberate them like the parents of twentysomething drug addicts – by not supporting their habit

Yup, the tough love of having them do their own lowlife tasks might even have some benefit

And if that doesn’t fix things, well, we wont be left still suffering from their cankered obsessions

Stop feeding their eternal and hopeless need to fill the insecurity that threatens them so much

An end to their marketed catchphrases and expensive slogans meant to enslave our imaginations

Grant them their freedom from our servitude and maybe we can finally actualize our own potentials

It’s the destructive co-dependency of the honestly-faithful and the amorally-insecure that must end

Smells Like Exceptionist Liberty

That foul diesel cloud belching from your loudly-modified pickup smells of apartment freedom to me

Those factory-extruded, double-meat-byproduct, corpro-burgers clearly smack of the good life

Your pridefully-loud ignorance sounds like illiterate afghans dumbly mumbling the Koran: In arabic

Looks for sure as if that fool global warmin babble turns out to be just expensive elitist nannying

That new car perfume intoxicated and seduced me into signing yet another unaffordable loan

The tastes of colas, candy, chips, whitebread and hotdogs are part of our Traditional Family Valuesä

Sounds like you should probably learn to text in Spanish even though you still caint read inglish

We can view the future without worry or guilt after pledging our imaginary souls to a fictional savior

They just can’t mask the smell of stress despite deodorants, perfumes, bad breath and wicked gas

Growers are not paid to breed for taste: important qualities are shipping stability and visual impact

Our ordained progress is surely reflected by the amount and volume of our loud and random noise

Looks like we just need unplanned sprawl, mindless consumer spending and foreign credit to thrive

These spent automatic weapon cartridges reek of our uninfringeable birthright to ejaculate guns

The tang of melted cheese mixed with over-salted burger fat makes me need to keep my mouth full

Just the sound of him cracking open a fresh beer makes me want to suck down at least half a dozen

It’s so easy to visualize them heathen terrorist perverts plotting against us from insida filthy caves

Our town’s landfill overwhelmed me with the putrid stench of my bloated and decaying consumerism

It’s not an issue now, because nobody alive knows the actual flavor of non-manufactured food

I heard their big lies spun endlessly from a thousand different sources and, lo, I too, could believe

Now I don’t ever even perceive those things that might contradict my digitally-implanted beliefs

The fragrance of mower fumes and RoundUp keeps me in touch with my land - Our über-green lawn

Feeding on those agent-orangey artificially-cheesy puffs perfectly epitomizes my food philosophy

The angry din of purposeless explosions captures the full intrinsic meaning of our patriotic holidays

Grand Canyon smog is the visual metaphor for our glorious coal-fired-air-conditioned freedom

I was enveloped in the patented aromas of the conglomerate eateries while strolling the food court

Chewing sugary breath mints stops me from offending and keeps that way-overpaid dentist rich

The ear-splitting racket of fat Harleys echo my pre-digested ideals with a media-redneck eloquence

From our lofty and divinely-self-granted, exceptionist viewpoint, the world begs for our guidance

I am totally committed to focusing only on the scent of money as my guide in this greedy pilgrimage

Hey, savoring Bin Laden’s death was worth each life and every penny of the $trillion it cost us

Each of us makes sure our own noise covers everybody else’s and that keeps us all from going berserk

It appears to me as if our outdated and crumbling infrastructure has just always been this way

I internalized the smell of sacrifice as he lost his sphincter when the IED ripped off his legs

We grazed on a smorgasbord of tasteless humor, acid cynicism and air-popped sensationalism

Once I heard the Word, I could tune out anything else that upset, bothered or conflicted me

I still saw myself as I never could have been - despite my injuries, obesity and metabolic syndrone

Killing Comes Naturally

It existed strong within me when I was born and they nurtured it well, right from the very start

I liked to shout and strike out and I escaped from all my fears by hiding deep within a blind fury

When the fighting fog was upon me I did not even feel their blows

But early on they broke me with savage beatings - and then they began to train me

I fought my way onto the elementary school playground and took up the violent sports

I learned the visceral joy of bodies smashing into one another, over and over again

I was able to overcome my sprains and bruises so as to not miss the real battles

I trained religiously and came to truly believe that every day was a good day to die

There was no questioning the purity and absolute truth of unrestrained combat

As to its origins and wider social implications, such things are not the concern of warriors

I was born with the potential to violence and it has been carefully fostered ever since

It is a thing that we humans have always cultivated, both culturally and genetically

I was taught exactly when and where my violence was expected and applauded

We spent hours most every day bonding together, honing our full contact skills

Though we were violent and aggressive, since we obeyed, we were encouraged and not jailed

We learned to control our rage to more effectively defeat our opponents

For hours on end I would review a good move or a shameful defeat

Mere citizens who did not ever participate could never hope to understand

Others, exploding without discipline, struggled vainly against the authority we protected

We earned respect and honor in the proud tradition of unquestioned patriotic violence

And, of course, we followed the siren song of the great organized military

They trained us to a new and even higher moral and physical standard

They removed our individuality and taught us to follow orders without thinking

We ignored that they gave us over to the wishes of the cowardly, greasy, fast-talking politicians

They told us our unnecessary losses in their foolish wars could never be in vain, so we fought on

With our guts shot out and legs blown off we still struggled mightily simply to rejoin our units

Bushido, the way of the warrior, was the only way we knew, the only way we ever wished to know

They trained us as team killers and then told us to go home, be good citizens and raise up families

Tips From Professional Suck-Ups

Immediately ignore this useless co-worker and turn up a smiling face for ta-da Here comes the boss!

Don’t forget to ask if his wife, what the hell was her stupid name again?, is feeling any better

Quick now, look eager, right, that’s the way for a budding, would-be-successful middle manager

Tack up that latest memo she wrote, right beside your nodding head in that neat little cubicle

Should I use my simpering grin or that hearty laugh to ingratiate myself to him this time?

Smile and say Hello, act interested, and try to remember their whatever drivel from yesterday

Straighten up and suck it in so she can palpate your great respect by imperious glance alone

Pop your head up with a hearty greeting you self-centered shoulder-climber: You need this job

Actually… I’d be very interested in your take on this market situation if you wouldn’t mind

Oh yes, I got that email and my people are already on it, even as we speak

You know, I can really see the sense in this shared vision thing that you guys put together

Gosh, it always seems like you’re already busy when I get in and still hard at it when I leave

Focus in, prick up those ears and really act like you are just full of the most rapt attention

Ask that question you thought up that you know will start him to smilingly strut and hold forth

Hmmm, Where should I sit in this meeting room to optimally display my completely abject support

Just keep in mind that your real work here is to cultivate relationships with those in charge

I’m not here to make waves so I appreciate any personal advice you might be able to share

How’s your golf game going with that new set of woods you were telling us about?

That was really funny when you were talking to that new salesman the other day

If you have a minute, I have a quick question about our new strategy going forward

Don't you dare show your anger when she dismissively waves you off again to talk to her ignorant kid

Got to find something similar to those hideously tasteless shoes she’s always wearing

Stay aware that keeping his project schedule updated is more important than any real work you do

Suck up by telling her that you’re facing a tough issue and that you could really use her input

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed, how do you always manage your time so effectively?

But, remain ever ready to scuttle beneath new leaders should office politics suddenly change

Keep hoping the real bosses might remember your name from their 30000’ overview level

Unconsciously know when to switch screens and drop your cell call cause she’s walking by

Silently leave your coworkers hanging out alone should they dare to raise some contentious issue

Don’t ever mention any of the layoffs, failed projects, stalled initiatives and discarded objectives

Portray yourself to be as trusting and energetic as a good child and as loyal as a lovable pet dog

Offhandedly mention work stuff that happened really early, late at night or on the weekends

Always be ready to grab credit from some contractor or shift blame to a grumpy old employee

Be sure that they are aware you are so eager to move up but: only via their wise mentoring

At every opportunity make it appear as if you are sacrificing your personal life for their vanity

Be that unctuous sycophant even as you kick down with killer sociopathic focus, and you will go far